The Real Deal on Submission

We have been studying the book “The Excellent Wife” in our ladies’ Bible study group, and it has helped me clarify some thoughts regarding how to live a truly Biblical marriage that God outlines in Scripture. Take Ephesians 5:22-33, for instance. Sandwiched between “wives submit to your husbands” in verse 22 and “…and the wife must respect her husband” at the tail end of verse 33 is a whole treatise on how the husband is supposed cherish, sacrifice for, nourish, and love his wife. A Godly marriage that is a picture of Christ and the church takes both of these components—a respectful, submissive wife and a loving, unselfish husband. It seems to me that verse 21 sums it up, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

It seems to me that both the church and the secular world has taken the word “submission” and defined it differently than Scripture. I was raised feeling like true submission was this big heavy cloud of blind obedience that would be impossible for one of my temperament to live up to. Somehow all the sermons I heard on the subject lambasted women to be submissive and didn’t have much to say about the husband’s role. The examples I saw around me didn’t necessarily dispel this myth.

The secular world seems to look at submission, as Christianity defines it, as an ugly word that dehumanizes women and makes them less of a person. Equality in the relationship is the goal; one is just as valuable as the other—and, just for good measure, the secular woman appears to think that she indeed should have more control in the relationship than her husband.

Both of these perspectives perhaps have their base in Scripture, but the concepts have become distorted. It has been renewing and revitalizing to realize just exactly how wrong both of these definitions are. What is submission?

1. It is an attitude that permeates all of life. All of us must submit to something whether it be the laws of the land or our boss at work. The sooner we recognize this fact, the easier it will be for us to get along in life on every level.
2. Submission to my husband is not the first issue. The first issue is submission to God. Am I willing to obey God? “If ye love me, you will obey what I command.” (John 14:15) If so, the concept of submitting to other authorities is not so vexing.
3. Here’s my practical definition that relates to me in my current situation: Submission is an attitude of wanting to first please God and second put my husband’s needs and wishes before my own (unselfishness). It involves actions of deferring to him while at the same time communicating my thoughts, ideas, and preferences in a godly, non-demanding way. Submission is not blind obedience, but rather it is righteous deference.

For myself, I choose (usually) to focus on my responsibilities as a wife rather than first looking to my husband to be more Godly before I can change. The Amplified Bible uses synonyms to help explain the meaning in the original text, and it has been helpful in clarifying my understanding of Biblical submission.

Ephesians 5:22 (Amplified) “Wives, be subject—be submissive and adapt yourselves—to your own husbands as a service to the Lord.”
Ephesians 5:33b (Amplified) “…and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband—that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”

So, part of submission is adapting yourself to your husband rather that expecting him to adapt to you. When people get married, they have different backgrounds, different expectations, different ideas…who moves closer to whom? Just as the husband is responsible to provide for his family and be the spiritual leader in the home, it is the wife’s responsibility to adapt herself to her husband and his preferences.
In verse 33, the descriptive phrases are ones that must be in place for a marriage to remain a viable relationship. Any relationship would thrive on these attributes—how much more important it is to treat your husband even better than you would treat your friends. This relationship with your husband should be the closest and most lasting human relationship possible. Respect defined by noticing, regarding, honoring, prefering, venerating, esteeming, defering, praising, loving, and admiring are actions that will only nourish and strengthen the vow to “love and cherish till death do us part.”
Being a mom has taught me: Patience!

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