A Wife's Most Important Job

Have you ever looked around and wondered how some women do it? They seem so Godly and serene while their husbands seem anything but. Have you ever pitied their situation and felt sorry for them and wished their husbands were more of the men God created them to be? And then there are those wives that deal with similar situations and struggle and do not seem particularly Godly or serene. I never understood what made the difference, but through some personal circumstances, I believe I have stumbled onto the key.

Last week in a devotional at a bridal shower for a young girl from our church, I shared my ideas about what makes the difference. As I was thinking and praying about what to share, I tried to remember the key points given at my bridal showers and my wedding some three years ago. While I remember bits and pieces, no piece of advice stands out to me as having had major impact on the failure or success of our marriage. That put my importance as a shower speaker in proper perspective, but also prompted me to try to think of just one thing I could share that would impact this young bride at this busy, exciting time.

"There are lots of good books about how to have a wonderful Godly marriage," I began, "read them! Your most important job as a wife, however, is your personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

"What? Not submitting? Not having an ever-ready listening ear? No loving him in his love language? Not meeting his physical needs? Not providing companionship? Not becoming expert in all the areas in the marriage book Pastor James gave us that we are currently reading together?" I couldn't read her mind, but she may have had these thoughts.

There is something about that statement that makes one stop and think and question its accuracy. Are we, as Christian wives, so caught up in "doing" for our husbands and children that we forget about "being"? The only way to be is to be in Christ. So, I repeat for my benefit and yours, "Your most important job as a wife is growing in your personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

That's how Godly women in less than perfect marriages do it. They understand that the secret to their serenity lies in Jesus not their husbands. I remember when I first began to grasp this concept early in our marriage. Phil hurt me; I don't remember what happened except that he had no idea he had hurt me. He left for work, and I wallowed in tears and bruised feelings and disillusionment and anger. That day (or the next day or maybe even the next, I don't remember) I sat with my Bible and read and prayed and listened for God's voice. He gave me peace and a forgiving spirit that allowed me to release all my hurt feelings without the necessity of a "heart-to-heart" chat with my husband. I learned that day that God IS enough. That when Phil doesn't meet all my needs adequately, God will. As I told the young bride-to-be, "When you look to your husband to meet all your needs, you are setting yourselves up for imminent failure!" And, when you substitute a relationship with your husband for a relationship with Jesus, you are sabotaging both your marriage and possibly your eternal destiny.

The importance of our personal relationship with Christ does not change with marriage, although in actuality, I think I acted like it did without realizing it. We wives raised in the church have heard it so many times. The husband is to be the spiritual leader of the home; the wife is to submit. While true, these maxims are not the whole story. The fact that the husband is to be the spiritual leader does not erase the wife's personal responsibility toward maintaining her own spiritual health. That is a concept I did not understand as well as I should have when I got married, but one that God has been teaching me.

Dating, engagement, wedding planning, the wedding, the honeymoon, first home--experiencing all the nuances of marriage is exciting, emotional, and exhilarating. It the busyness and togetherness and loss of loneliness, it is easy to get into spiritual habits that are, well, perhaps not wrong, but certainly not the best. It is easy to justify them by thoughts that put the blame on your husband for not being the proper spiritual leader and exerting the necessary self-discipline for both of you. I have come to realize that my spiritual healthiness is my own personal problem and while I enjoy my husband's spiritual leadership, I cannot abdicate my own responsibility before God in this area. It is my responsibility to discipline myself to spend time in the Word, pray, meditate, and then put into practice what God is teaching me. I cannot excuse myself in any area because my husband is not leading me properly regardless of whether he actually is or isn't.

There's more. Not only is a wife's most important job her relationship with Christ, a Christian wife should be salt and light in the home to her family. (I'm focusing on wives because I am one. The same is true for husbands.) Women are unique to the marriage partnership. We bring qualities that are different from what men bring. These differences are not meant to become irritants that push marriage partners apart, but instead should be managed in a way that solidifies the marriage.

For example, women tend to value quality time together more than men. Time when you sit together and do nothing except talk. Newspapers and magazines away, TV or VCR off, children in bed--just the two of you talking. Men want down time. Women want together time. Somehow we got onto this subject last week at our ladies' Bible study, and I encouraged the ladies to not reject their desire for together time even if their husbands don't value it or initiate it. I believe that God gave women that need and that it is something unique and important that wives bring to the marriage covenant that has huge impact on the success and growth their marriages. I believe that this together time is of equal value to both partners even though wives seem to value it more. Strong marriages only come when partners learn to communicate--that only happens where there is actual talking. So, I encouraged us to pray about finding Godly ways to encourage this activity rather than just accepting our husbands preferences and living without it to the overall detriment to both spouses and the health of the marriage.

Another example of being salt and light in the home could involve watching television and videos or playing video games. Men seem to get more addicted to these activities than women although I realize this probably doesn't hold true in all cases. So, it seems to me, if these time-thieves are less of an attraction to the wife, than it is the wife's responsibility to guard her own eyes and mind and seek through prayer, tactful words, and Godly example to promote other wholesome activities.

I have found that our evening time is better spent when I plan my day to complete my work before supper and have flexible activities available for after supper. Every husband needs "down time," but that does not have to last the whole evening. If I preserve time and energy to play with my child and interact with my husband around things he enjoys rather than scrambling around to complete my tasks, I have found that all of us use our time much more wisely in the evening.

Being a mom has taught me: How to be more productive in the role of homemaker. I think I get just as much or more done since Blaine than I did before Blaine.

Blaine's newest skill: Throwing a ball. About two weeks ago he started throwing with this perfect overhand motion. He'll sit on the floor for a half an hour or more and "play ball" with me.

Goals

My goal was to begin regularly posting every week, and this weekend was the targeted time. Well, I missed it my first try.

We are currently watching the second round of videos depicting parenting Ezzo-style--Let the Children Come Along the Toddler Years. (Please, please, have mercy, I'm shielding my face with my arms to stave off the deluge of negative vibes zinging my way.) My learning from last night: "Train so you don't have to retrain." Sounds like a good goal to me. I also personally liked the idea of teaching Blaine to keep his hands under his tray while I'm feeding him since at this point all they do is get in the way and make a mess. Then when he's full, he can get his little paws up there and play with Cherries or his favorite toys (Wobblers from Phil's Frosted Flakes box--like father, like son--free toys are the best!) He has not managed to deposit a Cheerio in his own mouth yet, but his grasping abilities are certainly improving.

I didn't agree with everything I heard, however. (Yes, well, I seldom do.) I don't personally think breastfed four to six month old babies need any juice at all since it is mostly just sugar. Also, one of the other mothers was telling me that apple juice is the worst fruit juice to give an infant according to new studies because it is very hard for them to digest. Could be. And, I personally think six months old is soon enough for most breastfed babies to begin solid foods although I agree that it depends on the child and his/her readiness. What I really don't understand is why a four hour feeding schedule is the Ezzo goal. Blaine loves to eat every three hours. If he's particularly interested in something and we are away from home, he often can last more than three hours, but at home, I can't imagine the annoyance of having to deal with a fussy baby for an extra hour when a feeding will make him happy and probably put him to sleep. And, as I do reading regarding weight loss and weight control, I find that many experts advise more frequent meals of smaller quantities than our typical three meals-a-day. So why four hours for baby?

I find that as I parent my perspective changes. Most of you knew that would happen yet were too kind to throw it in my face. I can admit when I'm wrong or even half wrong. It's good for my humility. For example, I have more kind feelings than I did toward those mothers who rock their babies to sleep. There is something very special about them snuggling down and then dozing off. I also have more kind feelings toward those mothers who have either not been successful or have chosen not to put their babies on a schedule. Why? Let me explain.

This summer, I had a very scheduled life and Blaine consequently, I believe, had a schedule that meshed with mine. We worked it out, anyway, and it was great. I knew when he was going to nap; he knew when we were going over to the farm, when he would get to see his beloved Gongey, when we would go home for a bath and bed. When harvest ceased, so did my schedule. Then abruptly, I had no schedule, and then, frustration of all frustrations...neither did Blaine.

After too many times of Blaine throwing a screaming fit instead of going down for a nap and going to sleep on his own like he had been doing for about two months, it occurred to me that I had been trying to plan my life around his naps and given the ministry opportunities God was bringing my way, perhaps this was not the way I should be planning my schedule. I also wondered if his nap needs were changing with his growth, but whatever I tried, he would not go to sleep on his own for his naps although he did/does at night. I came to realize that perhaps God wanted me to relax and quit planning my life around Blaine's nap schedule since my happy little boy is pretty much happy regardless of a schedule or not. There you have it from me, older, wiser, and more merciful.

Being a mom has taught me: I have less advice for other parents than I used to. (Grin!)

Blaine's newest skill: He rolled over! Let me repeat, he FINALLY rolled over!